Tag Archives: Choosing feelings

14:32

Friday, October 6.

I arrived at the shelter where I stay at 14:32.  There was no line of people waiting admission.  They nominally open the gate at 14:30, but in fact sometimes do at 14:15, 14:00 or even 13:00.  When I later asked what time they’d opened today, I was told 14:30.  That can’t be factual, though: given current intake procedures, they can’t possibly have processed 30+ persons in two minutes.

Marvin arrived at the same time.  I stayed outside to finish a cigarette, and he slipped in in front of me.  He got assigned #41, “my” bunk, a bottom bunk.  I got assigned the only available remaining bunk, #40, a top bunk and thus much less desirable.

If I had arrived only 30 seconds earlier, I would have been assigned “my” bunk, a bottom bunk, the one much more desirable.  I found myself scouring my memory as to anything I could have done to have left church even 30 seconds earlier.  I would recognize the mistake of looking only at my last activities before leaving; whereas 30 seconds at any point during the day would have made the difference.

I would recognize that I was “bargaining.”

Continue reading 14:32

* Changing what I want

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Last week I was turned away from the shelter three times:  Sunday night, Wednesday night and Thursday night.

Under current conditions, to be sure I get a bunk, I must show up no later than 14:15.  It’s not just a matter of being on time, but of getting near the front of the line.  And that’s iffy in itself, given that there’s always a bum rush when the gate opens at 14:30.

Accordingly, I must wrap up my activities at church at 13:30 and leave out no later than 13:45.  But the way my day goes, it’s normally 13:00 before I have opportunity to do anything for job search.  That leaves me half an hour.  Can’t do much in half an hour.  It’s been a daily disappointment that I don’t even get off the e-mail to J___ M___, my contact at S&K.

What I want ain’t getting done.  May be time to change what I want — Continue reading * Changing what I want

* Resentment and hope

Three incidents from Sunday 09/18:

(1) I caught the racial vibe as soon as she came in the room.

(2) In the middle of worship, I looked at my situation.  I needed to touch base sometime during the service with _____, _____ and _____, any of whom might give me cash; for smokes, bus fare and candy.  I also needed to touch base sometime during worship with each of three other people ISO a ride “home.”  My petty, material, selfish neediness so preoccupied me, I couldn’t get into the spirit of worship at all.  This did not feel good.

(3) At the shelter, in the shower, for a washcloth they gave me a strip of fabric that had been torn from a towel, two inches wide and six inches long.  That was to be my washcloth.

I responded as follows.

Continue reading * Resentment and hope

* Take things in stride

16:03 Thursday 2016-09-08

A case on point.

Today as I walked toward the shelter, I contemplated that I am likely to have no smokes during the day tomorrow. How will I handle this; how will I feel about it? Factors:

• How important is it, compared to other things I may attend to?
• Can I take things in stride?
• (There was a third one, that escapes me just now.)

Then I arrived at the shelter. It was 15:25, and the gate was locked. In the end, I got turned away.

For the second time in two days.

Continue reading * Take things in stride

* “Every thought is a prayer.”

The seductiveness of turmoil.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

My foremost task for today is to keep myself focused on the practical things I need to do to improve my lot in life.

They can be seen as boring, mundane, dreary, tedious, and so on — if I fail to love myself enough to actually want to do them.

Accordingly, this morning I was reading through various news articles, and on one page, at the end, the links to “related” articles included this:

I didn’t read the article, but boy, just that headline really got my engines going.  I can’t remember the last time I was in a setting where someone might have been told, “Check your privilege.”  Normally this is addressed to a white person, and, as I’ve noted before, in my world there aren’t enough white people to matter.

Continue reading * “Every thought is a prayer.”

* The best present makes the best future.

I’m posting very little new material these days, but there are hundreds of posts different folks may not have seen the first time around.  So I’ve had in mind possibly to start “recycling” old posts.

I happened across this one today.  Actually, its story has been on my mind given recent difficulties getting into the shelter.  And when I re-read it today, I was moved, not just by the story about Leo, but the remark about dwelling in untoward feelings.  I see so many people around me, and so many expressions in the media, of folk dwelling in grievance, anger, the feeling of injustice, of being disadvantaged, of harboring resentment especially against those of different skin color.

And even within Christianity, I find sometimes such negativity being encouraged, in the name of justice; wholly forgetting the Gospel mandate to forgive, forgive, forgive.

The below post first appeared 2015-12-12.

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Saturday 2015-12-05

14:40. Actually, Leo arrived first.

But he got turned away.

Continue reading * The best present makes the best future.

* Appetites for darkness; befriending the shadow self.

Tuesday afternoon at the library, instead of doing anything on [church obligations], I spent time with several articles that could have been predicted to make me angry. I’ve forgotten specifics about them, and Net History from the library terminal isn’t available to me here. The deal is, I recognized an appetite for darkness; “The Itch.” Similarly yesterday, yesterday morning, once I realized I really had nothing to do that day, I became intensely angry and prone to look for ways to act out that anger; e.g. by finding more such articles to fume over. Went through some more of the same last night, albeit presence in the shower saw it all go away.

All this in the face of my goal of being perpetually happy and cheerful and an emanator of light and joy.

Continue reading * Appetites for darkness; befriending the shadow self.

* Self-management: A snippet

It’s happened often enough lately that I may as well tell it.

When I go into the shower room at the shelter, often enough, unhappiness meets me.

The shower stall I prefer isn’t available, and I resent it.

This guy is taking up half the shower bench, and the other half is full also, and I resent it.

This other guy is taking up all kinds of too much time getting dressed, and I resent it.

As soon as I turn my attention to what I will actually do — where to put my clothes, choosing a stall that is available, and getting undressed in itself — all those bad feelings vanish.

Complaining means you’re not doing what you can.

Related:  Here – Now – Can

Reblogged 12/21/23.